I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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