he wants to bone in the snuggie
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
