Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
