You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
