Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
