Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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