make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
