apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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