I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize