plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
