I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
