I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
