literally had 100 drinks last night.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I can text with my tongue
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
