Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
