don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
