I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
