This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
