I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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