yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize