I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
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