My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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