I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
