You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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