Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
