Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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