yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
