I just made out with a guy for $7.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
