the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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