Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
