He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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