My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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