That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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