I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I was not drunk enough for that final.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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