i think my mom watched the whole time
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
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