How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize