My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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