At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
