If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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