Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
