I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
