all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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