There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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