Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
