I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
