Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
