Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
