NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
