Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
