I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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