So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
