the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
