I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
