Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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