I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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