remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
