my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
