every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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