Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
