i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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