wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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