I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
