he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
tell me about the eggs
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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